Coming home to a place that no longer feels like home. So real it's completely surreal. Can't cope with the sensory overload. Jet lag clouds my stormy brain. Short term memory completely wiped away. Stress, rush, consumption, material, messages, options, opinions, reality....all running towards me at lightning speed, I see it rushing by and try to make myself immune and impentetrable and stay in the peaceful eye of the storm constantly reminding myself that it is NEVER a matter of life and death. This is so difficult I think I'm going to break. I long for escape. I think I'm suffering from a horribly bad dream that I can't awake from and I'm praying that I'll wake up tomorrow and still be in my little bamboo bungalow on the sea at Treehouse on Koh Chang.
Everything feels supremely normal. It's all the same and I am completely different. How do I even begin to renegotiate my relationship with this part of the world and these people in my life. How do I explain how utterly changed I am to people who don't want to hear, or can't understand? Where do I ever begin to find the words? How the hell do I hold my vision for this life when everything here is so vaccuous?
I almost forget what it was like when time wasn't an issue. I can nearly remember what it was like to not worry about money because no one around me ever mentioned it. I can almost picture those beatiful and impoverished people who could make anything out of nothing and be completely happy.....but the pictures are fading. The feelings are becoming more and more fleeting. Beady eyes look at my peaceful smiling face with jealousy and anger here...they wonder what is wrong with me...why the anomoly? What do I know that they don't?
I'll never tell because they don't want to know. They never ask.
I don't know myself here. The mirror has become fuzzy and I'm feeling so blind.....slipping into unconsciousness....
Hurry up
Pay up
Work your way up
Come on up
Fill er up
Shut up
Put up
Fed up

Intuition and Intention are my way
to hold the dreams